Champions’ League Soccer Update: Thierry Says Hello And Manchester United Is On Pace To Do What They’re Supposed To Do

• Manchester United V Dynamo Kiev: 4-0 Final

  Cristiano Ronaldo decided to poke his pretty little face out in the 88th minute and score a goal to solidify a Manchester United’s arse-whoopin’ of Dynamo Kiev. Looks like them foreign-born players aren’t too shabby after all. Manchester United are now through to the elimination rounds of the tournament after winning four out of four games.

• FC Barcelona V Rangers: 2-0 Final

  It was hardly a thumping, but the Catalans ran all over the Rangers 2-0. Our favorite name of the game? Rangers substitute player Nacho Nova! His name is Nacho freakin’ Nova!

• Slavia Prague V Arsenal: 0-0

  Arsenal never really decided to show up, but they get through the group stages along with Manchester United. We’re already salivating over the elimination lottery for a possible English clash. Ronaldo V Fabregas. You know we’re on top of it.

We’re at the half of European Champions’ League matchday and both FC Barcelona and Manchester United are sporting a comfortable 2-0 lead against their opponents. As we expected, Arsenal haven’t realized the games have started so we’ll give them another half to do something exciting.

• Barcelona V Rangers

  Thierry Henry opened up the scoring for Barca within the first six minutes, and Diego Maradona wanna-be Lionel Messi added another right before the half. Ronaldinho is warming up a bit so expect some heavy firing from the Catalans. Oh yeah, the Rangers defense is quite pitiful at the moment.

• Manchester United V Dynamo Kiev

  Gerrard Pique opened up the flood gates when he steered a cross from Wayne Rooney and headed in his first ManU goal ever. Only a few minutes past and Wayne Rooney once again led the charge by passing a one-two combo to Captain Caveman Carlos Tevez for another goal.

• Slavia Prague V Arsenal

  It’s 0-0 at the half because Arsene Wenger didn’t play Cesc Fabregas. Bastard. It’s freakin’ Slavia man! 9-0 was in your sight!