What Awaits Miguel Cabrera In Detroit? Cold Ass Weather, That’s What.

We posted earlier that Miguel Cabrera is about to trade a cold-blooded spearfish logo for a something in between “Tony The Tiger” and a six year old’s drawing of a tiger. The Detroit Tigers are moments away from landing the Venezuelan slugger and people are shocked. Ask Detroit closer Todd Jones.

“Wow. That’s unbelievable,” Detroit closer Todd Jones said. “I’m just blown away. I thought it was a big typo when I first saw it.”

Yeah, so did we brah. Cabrera’s about to get a nice raise, trade National League threads for American League hype and he’s leaving Miami. Wait, Miami to Detroit? Beach town to bleak town? Did anyone run this by “Miggy?” Oh, he’s not going to like this.

Things “Miggy” Should Know About Detroit

• Detroit’s average temperature for the year is a crisp 58 degrees. Quite a drop from Miami’s hot, sexy 83 degree average. No more sandals and board shorts Migs. And definitely no more bikini parties.
• Detroit is surrounded by a bunch of lakes and stuff. But it’s a sharp contrast to the warm, sandy beaches of the Floridian coastline. Where’s he supposed to gawk at college spring breakers: an Indie-Rock bar?
• Speaking of music, keep your Reggaeton cd’s where no one can see them. It’s not cool in Motown; well not cool anywhere, really. But especially NOT cool in Motown. Trust us.
• Wikipedia:
  

  As of 2000, the city of Detroit was 82.70% African American, 12.26% white, 0.97% Asian, 0.33% Native American, 0.03% Pacific Islander, 2.54% from other races, and 2.32% from two or more races.

  Um, where are the Latinos? Oh there they are:
  

  4.96 percent of the population was Hispanic or Latino of any race.

  Nice. That’s only 61% less than what Miggy’s accustomed to.

• Cabrera’s border will now be Canada, not a warm ocean. “Take off you hoser!”

At least he doesn’t have to worry about hurricanes, but we hear them potential blizzards are a drag.
Earlier: Miguel Cabrera Gets The Nod From The Detroit Tigers

Marlins agree to trade Cabrera to Tigers [LATimes]
Image [FoxSports]