Machogear: Nike’s SPARQ Parachute.

Most sports products are all hype. We tell you which ones cut through the air.
The SPARQ Parachute:

Designed for athletes 170 - 210 lbs, the Large SPARQ Parachute creates the drag necessary to force athletes to push themselves harder to achieve speed. The easy step-in belt was added based on athlete feedback, allowing you to get right to your workout without having to mess with buckles or adjustments.

The Details:

• Maximum drag = 25 lbs of force. [Ed. Note: Enough for an infant to paraglide.]
• Belt accommodates waist sizes 32″- 56″. [Ed. Note: Translation: All Americans welcome.]
• Durable enough for team training. [Ed. Note: Girlfriends and friends of friends can all participate.]
• Floating metal tri-ring reducing belt offers improved chute tracking. [Ed. Note: Like an IUD? Weird.]
• Improved heavy duty webbing lead and 2X coated heavy-duty veil fabric provides excellent durability. [Ed. Note: So you can definitely take it to parties.]
• Comes with carry bag. [Ed. Note: Courage for a non-professional athlete to use in public is sold separately.]

Also great for pranks. Imagine a drunken cousin at a family bbq. He’s keeled over in a stupor on the grass. You reach for your trusty parachute and strap it on his semi-lifeless body. Coincidentally, you find a beehive. You provoke the bees and send them roaring to your cousin. He wakes in a panic and tries to run-off. Unbeknownst to the drunk is that he’s got a parachute strapped to his back. Hi-larious!
SPARQ Parachute [Nike]