Feature: Your Ad Here, American League

Machochip Contributing Editor Alex Ferreyra was amazed to find that the Boston Red Sox were wearing ads on their uniforms for their exhibition games in Japan. This got him thinking about what ads other teams should put on their uniforms once the inevitable happens.
Before I break down which brands should advertise with which American League team, I’d like to take a moment thank all of you who commented on last week’s National League Ad round-up. It was fun to read the feedback and hear about the, um, slip-ups I made. Some of my personal faves:

• EMS reminded me of the Washington Nationals 10-game win streak in 2005, which matched Obama’s 10-state streak. Luckily for me (and unfortunately for Hilary), he won his eleventh in a row, pulling in the Democrats Abroad global primary. Let’s see the Nats match that, John Patterson or not!



• La Jolla asked why no San Diego love for the military. Well, the Padres already kind of promote the military a few times a year.
• Mike mentioned that the Yankees sported RICOH camera logos on their helmets and unis back in 2004 when they played in Japan. What’s up Red Sox? I thought you were all about one-upping the Yanks, and now you’re literally half-assing it by only putting ads on your uni sleeves? If you don’t get some ads on Dustin Pedroia’s jock strap in Japan, you’ll lose what little respect I have left for you.

Speaking of the Yanks and Sox, let’s do the American League, shall we?
American League East

Boston Red Sox/Boston Globe
By supporting the Sox, The Boston Globe could make amends with Boston fans for the jinx they placed on the New England Patriots during the Super Bowl. In case you don’t remember, they were the publication that put together the book, 19-0: The Historic Championship Season of New England’s Unbeatable Patriots, before the Pats actually made it to 19-0. Rumor has it they’ve already started on an ominous sounding group of books for baseball season including 89: How Big Papi Shattered The Home Run Record and Schill: How Curt Schilling Stayed Healthy Throughout The Entire 2008 Season. Their PR folks better step in now.

NY Yankees/Haliburton
Billions in revenue. Hated across their respective worlds by people not in their camp. Occasional Dick Cheney appearances. These two entities have so much in common, it’s amazing that the Yanks didn’t get some BlackOps team to kidnap Johan Santana in the middle of the night and have him in the Bronx the next morning during last month’s trade negotiations.

Toronto/Bank of Canada
This is a move to entice all those Americans who threaten to move to Canada to actually do it. With the Canadian dollar being about equal to the US dollar, why not have each player wear a little LED patch with the conversion rate on it? It’d be informational and awesome, since they’d look like extras from Tron.

Baltimore/HBO
HBO’s show The Wire has given Baltimore such a bad name that the Orioles should give back by subversively associating the pay channel with their horrible brand of “baseball.” There can be theme nights, which include “McNulty Beer Night,” where entrants are given five beers an inning, and those who are able to get to their cars after the game don’t have to pay for parking… like real cops!

Tampa Bay Rays/Curves
Tampa Bay dropped the “Devil” from their name during the off-season to reinvent themselves from their horrible 645-972 all-time record. Gary Heavin, the founder and owner of Curves gyms for women hates the Devil so much, he donates 10% of his proceeds to pro-life groups. Word is he even bankrolled the pro-life flick Juno—honest to blog! These two could sponsor teen mom night at the stadium and give young mothers-to-be a discount at the gym with the presentation of their ticket stub.
American League Central
Cleveland Indians/American Express
I would pay AmEx to advertise with the Indians, if only to see this commercial from Major League cast with the current Tribe. What could be funnier than C.C. Sabathia, Eric Wedge and Travis Hafner wearing ill-fitting tuxedos and sliding into home?


Detroit Tigers/Guitar Hero
What is it about the video game Guitar Hero that is so irresistible? Maybe Tigers pitcher Joel Zumaya can tell us. He missed three games in the 2006 ALCS after suffering inflammation in his throwing arm from playing the USB connected Les Paul for hours on end. And in turn gave the game enough street cred to become the most bad-ass, digital time suck since Dragon’s Lair.


Minnesota Twins/Best Buy
Every year when you look at the Twins on paper, they seem like a great bet to go all the way. Good management, strong players across the board, and with the waters of Lake Minnetonka closed off to athletes since the Vikings Sex Boat scandal, not many distractions to derail them. You get the same feeling when you look at a Best Buy circular. Hey cheap blank DVDs! It says they’ll have Wiis in stock! But when you get there, something inevitably happens to make you wonder why you made the trip to begin with. Best Buy is always out of the Wiis, just like Minnesota always runs out of prized players like David Ortiz and Johan Santana that they couldn’t hold on to for whatever reason.

Chicago White Sox/ipopin.com
Chi Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says that he’s going to go back to his gruff ways this season. This can only mean bad things for Chi Sox players like the rotund reliever Bobby Jenks, who Guillen calls from the bullpen by ballooning his arms out wide, and Jermaine Dye, whose batting last year killed the Sox (and every fantasy team that picked him in the fifth round). Enter ipopin.com, where the players can download one-minute affirmations and send them to their ipods, perfect for a quick listen after those in-between inning Ozzie-tirades.

Kansas City Royals/The Law Firm of Husch, Blackwell and Sanders
The Royals enter the 2008 season with no real promise for the future, so to lure fans back to Kauffman Stadium, they trot out the lamest marketing tagline in baseball–”True.Blue.Tradition.” Why is this lame? There are plenty of reasons, but number one is that “true blue” is a Dodgers catch phrase the team’s used since the days of Ron Cey. Luckily, the Law Firm of Husch, Blackwell and Sanders will gladly trade ad space on the Royals uniforms for retainer fees. They’ll be needed when the Dodgers come knocking about copyright infringement, and ultimately when the Mets find out about the Royals replacement slogan: “Meet the Royals, Greet the Royals.”

American League West
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim/Los Angeles Tourism Board
Angels owner Arte Moreno superfluously added the Los Angeles suffix to his team’s name in 2005 to capture some of that La-La land cache. Well, L.A. wants them to return the favor. In addition to free space on the unis, expect to see Vlad Guerrero shuttling around VIPs at the La Brea Tar Pits, Chone Figgins guiding tours at the Disney Concert Hall and new center-fielder Torii Hunter keeping the streets of L.A. safe by being LiLo’s designated driver.
Seattle/Kawasaki ATVs
Whether you’re out in the woods hunting deer, or trying to run over Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp, Kawasaki ATV’s are totally the way to go. Sure Mariner Moose got some flack for almost killing Crisp, but what do you expect it to hunt other than its deadliest enemy of all–man? Payback’s a bitch, homo sapiens.


Oakland A’s/Subaru
Under GM Billy Beane’s direction, the Oakland A’s have been the picture of conformity. They’re reliable, don’t make crazy moves and, as a whole, have a roster that’s quite affordable when compared to the rest of baseball. Much like a Subaru– they too are reliable, and frankly, boring as hell. Sure the A’s might get into the playoffs, but do you expect anything out of them? Just like you’re pleasantly surprised when your Outback goes 80 MPH on the highway, but you don’t dare push it any further because of the “bend, don’t break” rule. These two are a boring match made in boring heaven.

Texas Rangers/Koolair Air Conditioning & Heating
The temperature in Arlington, Texas during the summer can average 119º… at night. Which is why Rangers pitchers don’t last past the fourth inning. But if local HVAC company Koolair invests in some product placement by furnishing cooling pods for the likes of Kevin Milwood and Vicente Padilla, it could get cold enough at the stadium for those guys to finish the game and bring back those cool satin baseball jackets the pitchers used to wear in the 80s.
So there you have it– the 30 MLB teams and the brands they should team up with when everyone realizes that watching a pitcher, catcher and coach meet on the mound for two minutes is damn boring. When your eyes start to wander, three patches promoting everything from ATVs to banking institutions will subconsciously seep into your brain, and it’ll be a win-win for everyone involved. It’s just a matter of time before MLB catches up with me.