Machogames: Golden Tee 2009 Sucks You In, Keeps You Spending

Get ready, competitive drunks! Everyone’s favorite bar video game has launched its newest edition. We’re not talking about Deer Hunter, though the idea of blowing away animals while downing a few pints does have its appeal to us.
No, we’re talking about the mack daddy of them all, Golden Tee. The 2009 edition celebrates 20 years of bar golf action with added features, actual music and a relatively cheap entry price, which the company notes will keep customers at the machine ordering overprices food and drinks. Wait, what?

One reason for Golden Tee’s phenomenal success: annual upgrades chockfull of new twists. The Golden Tee community — which literally includes 700,000 card-carrying players — has been abuzz with anticipation.

But the 2009 release will do more than lift the Average Joe’s spirits; besides giving amusement industry revenues a hearty boost, over the next year, Golden Tee players will spend more than $400 million on food and beverage sales to boost that sector as well.

“It’s the most-eagerly awaited update in our 20-year history,” says Elaine Hodgson, president and CEO of Incredible Technologies (IT), the game’s creator.

“In test locations, the response has been outstanding. We’re hoping to jumpstart earnings throughout our industry.”

Well, we always thought Golden Tee was simply a public service from the innkeeper to his patrons. We never thought it was just a ploy to keep us in the bar longer. It worked. A full 18-holes on the new machine will run just $4, a reasonable price by our standards. And while you play you’ll order five beers and some nachos, putting an easy $40 into the establishment’s register. Golden Tee wins, the bar wins, and you’re half drunk and broke. And if you lost, your winning buddy is almost certainly giving you shit for it, so your mood is only getting worse. You should fight him.
The great debate surrounding Golden Tee is two-fold: how do you play, and what do you drink while playing? We had always been members of the “palm thrust” school of GT play, that is until we witnessed the eminently superior “thumb flick” technique one evening at a local watering hole. You get more control, and you can put more power on your swing using one hand instead of two. We’ll never go back.
As for your beverage of choice, we feel that beer is really the only way to go when it comes to hitting the Golden Tee links. It supplies just enough alcohol to keep you sufficiently lubricated while preventing you from getting so sloppy drunk that you can’t spin the wheel with the proper force and alignment, like a Jack-and-Coke probably would And wine? Forget it. It’s bad enough you’re getting laughed at for that Par 3 triple-bogey, why get laughed at for downing a lady drink?
Find your local Golden Tee machine here.
Something to Smile About: Golden Tee 2009 Hits the Street [PR Newswire]