Worst. Cookbook. Ever. If You Thought Testicles Made Bad Food, How About Semen Recipes?

Remember a few weeks back, when we took the opportunity to gross our readers out with some delightful recipes that used animal testicles as their main ingredient? As bad as that was, we think we can top it.
A reader (who apparently has too much time on her hands) has alerted us to the existence of Natural Harvest, a cookbook that uses human semen as the key ingredient in a variety of otherwise normal, for the most part, recipes.
Care to guess just what’s filling those oyster shells?

That, friends, is the finished product for a delightful dish called “Man Made Oysters.” And you won’t even need the recipe to get this one done at home. Simply jack it into a bucket, pour the resulting baby batter into some empty oyster shells, garnish with lemon and pepper, put on ice and serve. Hell, if you really want the full experience, the recipe says you can just ignore the garnish and get straight to the semen.
There is no way we’re going to shell out $25 for the full book, which is written by an apparent maniac/jizz freak named Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer. Still, we have no problem deconstructing the preview copy of the book, available on the web here. To kick things off, “Fotie” outlines a few rules for cooking with semen, first alerting us to its neglected taste and texture complexities (at least in his mind).

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a palatable texture and wonderful cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen producers can generate a wide range of semen tastes simply by making minor dietary adjustments. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that.

First of all, whatever restaurant decides to throw semen into the mix damn well better make that crystal clear on the menu. Most diners are well aware of the amount of semen available in the kitchen. That’s why we never complain about even the worst meal, lest some underpaid line cook get us back by jerking off in our mashed potatoes.
Aside from the, ugh, “oysters” we mentioned earlier, we can take a look at a few other cooking ideas for semen, recipes that sound more like a fraternity prank than a fine dining experience. For a cocktail, why not try a White Russian, with a little of the chef extra-special, personal ingredient thrown in for good measure? We also allowed to preview serving suggestions for a tuna dipping sauce, lime aoili and, perhaps worst of all, “cum filled crepes.”

Aside from a wide variety of recipes sure to make your stomach turn, Photenhauer also includes a great deal of nutritional and cultural information for the white stuff. Did you know that semen is Atkins-friendly? Did you know that eating raw ginger can give your semen a spicy, exotic taste? Of course you didn’t…you’re not a fucking psycho. The chef also instructs us on the proper handling of semen as a foodstuff: keep refrigerated, or throw some right in the pot, direct from the faucet!

When freshly ejaculated, semen usually has a thick lump consistency. Left untouched it will then “melt” and turn more fluid. Some semen cooks prefer using semen in its melted state while others enjoy ejaculating directly into the sauce pan or mixing bowl.

Was the testicle cookbook bad? Sure it was. But did it have some culinary value? Yes. We can picture a certain sort of gourmand actually ordering a bulls balls pizza, if only to say they’ve tried it at some point. But at least that’s a different animal, and not that animal’s love fluid. This cookbook is not even in the same league, and even the least squeamish among us, we imagine, would balk at the recipes contained within.
This cookbook reads to us like Photenhauer’s attempt to justify his own bizarre, sick and downright dangerous sexual habits. Don’t buy this. Or if you do, at least have decency to tell us, so we can de-friend you on Facebook. Freak.
And if we catch anyone we know, ahem, “glazing” the holiday ham, we’re calling the cops.