Meet Cristiano Ronaldo’s New Girlfriend Alyona Haynes

Sometimes, we forget Cristiano Ronaldo’s only 23. It could be that his brilliance has made it seem like he’s been around a decade. Or maybe it’s that he’s been linked to so many women that his name is usually in The Sun two or three times a day, and the overload has bent time. Enter the new notch of the number 7’s bedpost, Ukrainian internet model Alyona Hayes. She has all the intelligence and complexities of Gemma Atkinson and Nereida Gallardo combined, but with neither’s curves… so maybe he’s all about the mind now? According to her friends, they’ve been going hot and heavy for about eight dates, and their courtship even interrupted her dinner with her ex-husband, rich-ass English businessman John Haynes who’s twice her age. They text all the time, which makes her friends angry and borderline racist when they explain how dating him has to be a phase she’s going through. The nerve.

“There were things like ‘Do you miss me baby? I miss you’. I just assumed she was playing around with a waiter who had just arrived from Portugal. I had no idea it was him.

“He’s not intelligent in the slightest. Alyona is a very intelligent woman so I can’t imagine what they talk about when they sit down together. I just can’t get my head around it.”

OK, sure she might be a mesna member, but she’s the face of website that brings Ukranian women in for English men to marry, works in a department store and wants to eventually open up a cattery. It’s not like she’s splitting atoms. He might be the most egotistical man in the world, but he loves his mother and loves playing bingo. There is a man there, regardless of how incoherent his text messages are. Ugh. See what you’ve made us do, friends of Alyona Hayes—you made us defend Cristiano Ronaldo. Hope you’re happy you’ve ruined our day.

Pussycat doll is dating Ronaldo [Sun UK]
Image [Sun UK]