Get To Know Your Dictator: Augusto Pinochet

Years before Tupac tattooed “Thug Life” on his belly, Augusto Pinochet was livin’ da Thug Life ‘ol skool in Chile. He was possibly THE biggest weasel in Latin American history who was always worming his way out of trouble. That’s why he’s today’s Dick-tator.

Pinochet began his career as a military man who rose quickly in the ranks until he was appointed Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces of Chile by president Salvador Allende in 1972 (big mistake.) Allende was a lefty who began an ambitious socialization of Chile’s industries and radical agrarian and social reforms like access to education and milk programs for kids. The Cold War was in full swing and we had our own paranoid asshole, Richard Nixon, who didn’t like the idea of any kind of socialism in Latin America. (Let those lazy brats buy their own milk!) So Tricky Dick authorized the CIA to take out Allende by any means necessary. They asked Pinochet if he was interested in starting a coup. Ever the shit-eating cockweasel, Pinochet jumped at the chance and siezed power on September 11, 1973. (Man, that day sucks.)

Pinochet didn’t waste any time rounding up and killing his enemies. Allende committed suicide rather than submit to the torture that was surely coming his way. It is estimated that up to 10,000 people were murdered, raped, tortured, or simply made to disappear during Pinochet’s rule. Many other Chileans were imprisoned or exiled during his term in office. Pinochet then set about privatizing many of Chile’s industries pocketing millions while the Chilean people suffered greatly. Pinochet stashed millions of dollars in Swiss bank accounts and paid no taxes on any of it (he probably iced the taxman too.)

In 1990 Pinochet stepped down as president, but remained Commander-in-Chief of the army, essentially running the show from behind the scenes. In 1998 he officially retired for health reasons and went to Britain for treatment. While he was there the British and Spanish went all James Bond and kidnapped him and put him under house arrest for several murders of British and Spanish citizens during his rule. He avoided trial by stating that he was too sick and was sent back to Chile without ever having to answer for his crimes.

In 2000 Pinochet returned to Chile and his cronies passed a constitutional amendment granting him immunity from prosecution and a hefty pension. This was overturned for being Forest Gump level retarded and Pinochet was again put under house arrest in 2004. It looked like Pinochet was finally going to answer for his many murders and other assorted crimes when in 2006, slippery snake to the end, he died without ever facing a judge.

Pinochet was a straight up thug that held Chile in his iron fist for almost 40 years. He is part of a legacy of strongmen that stayed in power largely because of U.S. support to keep the commies from taking over. Pinochet’s victims number in the thousands but the worst he ever got was having to stay in his house while he was sick anyway. Justice was not served in his case, though our hope is that he is currently having his nuts eternally bitten off by Satan’s rabid hell-Chihuahuas.