Get To Know Your Dictator: Fulgencio Batista

Fulgencio Batista was a mobster, murderer, and world class thief. He was also an asshole. He ruled Cuba off and on from 1933 until 1959 when he was deposed by beard-loving asshole Fidel Castro. Batista’s rule was marked with extreme corruption. The mafia was given full access to Cuba and quickly turned it into “the whorehouse of the Caribbean.” Any kind of resistance was met with torture, rape, and death in Batista’s many secret prisons. Batista and Castro are two sides of the same coin, like Batman and the Joker they can not exist without each other. To those who would ask how Castro could have come to power, look no further than the thuggery of Batista.

Batista was born to a poor family in the small town of Banes in 1901. He was of mixed Afro-Cuban and Spanish descent and his parents had fought in the Cuban Revolution (the one with Jose Marti and Teddy Roosevelt not Castro and Che.) He got out of his one horse town, [Ed. Note: I've been to Banes, and it is literally a one horse town. They now also have a goat.] by joining the army. He quickly rose in the ranks, becoming a sergeant, and later the leader of the sergeant’s union.

In 1933 Cuba was in the grips of yet another asshole dictator named Gerardo Machado. He had ruled Cuba since 1922 and was seriously unpopular, mainly because he was a murdering douchebag. Batista led the sergeants in a revolt during which they seized the presidential palace and forced Machado out of power. He appointed a series of puppets, (puppet presidents, not literally a puppet like Grover or whatever), although Batista was firmly in charge. In 1940 Batista was elected president and he set about making some decent changes. He called a constitutional convention, the result of which was the Constitution of 1940, which is considered by many to be one of the most egalitarian ever written. This was done at the hands of progressive politicians, thinkers, and artists who saw the possibility of what Cuba could potentially become. Of course, Batista never followed the constitution he convened, breaking the law and violating civil liberties at will, but it was nice of him to try…right? [Ed.: No.]

He was elected to 4 terms as president but was not allowed to run for a fifth term. So he took part in the classic Latin American pastime: Coup D’etat! In 1952 he toppled the government and set himself up as military dictator. He said he did this to end the corruption and gangsterism of president Prio Socarras…which is…you know…ironic. Then, just like in The Godfather II, he flung open Cuba’s door to the mafia, which quickly started building hotels, casinos, whorehouses and nightclubs like some Egyptian pharaoh on a building binge while Batista received large kickbacks from American companies for allowing them free reign of Cuba’s large agricultural system. The United Fruit Company, for example, owned 51% of Cuba’s tropical fruit plantations and kept their workers as virtual slaves. (Fun Fact: The United Fruit Company is now Dole.)

“Resistance is futile” is what the Borg-like Batista would say to anyone who opposed him. As a rule he dealt with protesters, rivals, and any one who stood in the way of his getting his Benjamins by a simple 5 step process:

1. Pull them out of bed in the middle of the night and take them to jail without explanation (wife rape optional.)
2. Take them to jail. Beat them up. Repeat.
3. Tell him to talk. Torture as needed, or not needed whatever.
4. Shoot him in the back of the head.
5. Dump him in the ocean.

Enter a young lawyer named Fidel Castro, who was just one of many student leaders that opposed Batista’s brutal rule. He and his buddies attacked a military barracks to get guns, but were quickly routed by Batista’s troops. Many of Castro’s men were tortured to death by Batista’s thugs. At his trial, Castro defended himself saying, “History will absolve me.” Batista thought Castro was a joke saying, “I think that’s a book that will sell.” As he didn’t take him seriously, but worried that if he killed Castro he would make him a martyr, he kicked Fidel and baby bro’ Raul out of the country. Big mistake.

In the meantime Batista was living it up, drinking and having a grand old time. He surrounded himself with sycophants who kissed his ass. Much like Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, Batista couldn’t see his empire was crumbling around him. In 1956 Castro returned, only this time he had a small fighting force that included brother Raul, Ernesto “Che” Guevara and Camilo Cinefuegos. While Batista partied it up there were massive demonstrations, riots, acts of terrorism and general dissent. His former allies started to abandon him, including the United States that was tired of paying Batista’s hefty salary. They all threw their support behind Castro. It has been estimated that at the time of the Cuban Revolution’s triumph 92% of Cubans supported Fidel Castro.

On January 1st, 1959 at exactly midnight, Batista fled the country as Castro and his guys rolled into Havana. Batista fled to Spain where he lived until 1973 when he died from a heart attack. Castro, however is like an evil Energizer Bunny, he keeps going and going.

There could be no Castro without Batista, and in a way, no Batista without Castro. Batista would have been remembered as a petty thug dictator like so many others had Castro not immortalized him as the ruthless ruler he overthrew. Castro would not have been able to succeed in his revolution if Batista hadn’t created a climate of violence and corruption that demanded action. Batista provided the convenient catalyst for Castro to become an asshole dictator in his own right. Just like Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth or John Kennedy and Lee Harvey Oswald, Castro and Batista are two names forever intertwined in history.

[Ed. Note. Batista killed my uncle. I hope he's smoking a turd in hell. Have a nice day.]