Fairytales Wrong: Scientists Prove Love Isn’t Enough For A Good Marriage

Scientists at the Australian National University have attempted to crush the dreams of starry eyed women worldwide in their new study entitled, What’s Love Got to Do With It. While we’ve been trying to do that for years with a complex strategy of philandering and objectification, these researchers observed nearly 2,500 couples living together from 2001 to 2007 to identify what made them stay and what made them go. Turns out, it ain’t just about love.

Did you hear that, hopelessly romantic chicks that keep calling us? No prince charmings, no white knights, no random hottie trying to climb up your hair to rescue you from a tower and/or turn you into a princess. Instead, the researchers highlighted a few bright line factors that will greatly increase one’s chances of ending up separated or divorced, despite being at one point in love:

• If the husband is nine or more years older than his wife.
• If the husband is two or more years younger than his wife.
• If the husband married before he turned 25.
• If the wife has a much stronger preference for children or for more of them.
• If the wife is a heavier drinker than the husband.
• If one person smokes and the other does not.
• If the husband is unemployed or experiences financial troubles.
• If either person’s parents were divorced.
• If either person had children before marriage.
• If both people have been married before.

Um, ok, holy shit, that’s a lot of stuff. None of the reported risk factors, however, include “loss of love.” We guess a Cinderella out there could argue that the study still allows that love is a necessary condition to a lasting marriage, even if love isn’t sufficient. And that’s probably a bit right, no? If you found a fuckable chick and avoided all or most of these negative indicators but didn’t love her madly, wouldn’t you likely break up?

But, even if some women might acknowledge that love itself isn’t sufficient, the problem is that most can’t even think about love unless it’s that love conquers all, fairytale little girl bullshit that keeps them from seeing that for a relationship to work, you need more than just butterflies in the tummy. You need a confluence of circumstance and commonality. You have no idea how many bitches named Cinnamon or Peaches we’ve fallen in love with over an evening at the gentleman’s club, only to find out it’s not going to work the next morning when we wake up in a trailer with a shake and bake meth lab on the night stand. Circumstances, people.

So when your naggyass home piece is wanting to go shopping for rings or subscribes to Make Me A Bride Monthly, point her to the list and be like: look baby, I love you, but seriously, what’s love got to do with it? I mean, for real darling, what’s love but a second hand emotion? You know what I mean, who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? Scientific evidence now shows that love is nothing but a sweet old fashioned notion.