How Can America Survive Obama Not Mastering Every Single Sport Ever?

So last night President Obama threw out the first pitch at The Taco Bell All Star Game And This Time It Matters and, OK fine– it sucked.  Wobbly, high and fussy, and national hero Albert Pujols scooped up the ball before it technically hit the dirt in front of the plate. Naturally, all the predictable fuss-heads are making much about what this means about our socialist African prince. So let’s all laugh at our Commander in Chief trying out all kinds of sports, for the people, and usually looking like a goofball.

We’ve walked a long, dreadful path since the days when President Franklin Roosevelt was able to conceal his paralysis (with the help of a respectful press corp who, legendarily, would shove and elbow photographers who attempted an incriminating shot of FDR in his wheelchair).

These days the POTUS has to be all things to all people or suffer their wrath:  he must enjoy philly cheese steaks and deep dish pizzas but not be fat. He must be incredibly smart and know absolutely everything all the time but not bookish or “elitist.”  And, apprently, he must be a professional-level athlete and obsessive fan of all American sports or, in the words of the conservative Weekly Standard, he reveals his true essence to be “more Europeanish, less Americanish.”  And Obama may be fit and athletic, but as these videos show he is no universal jock.  He’s just about as good as, say, your Dad.  And that’s just not good enough.

BASEBALL

Yeesh. That first shot is pretty FDR, but there’s no getting around that second angle: he looks like he’s lobbing it gently to Sasha and Malia. Conservative bloggers, who find fault with the way he chooses to breathe or tie his shoes, are jumping up and down with joy over this because it proves, apparently, that John McCain actually won the election. They also made fun of his jeans, which is obviously totally legitimate.

Of course, Bush threw strikes, but he also pushed us into elective war that killed hundreds of thousands, displaced millions, and crippled our economy for a thousand years. So, yeah.

BOWLING

This…just…oh Christ. There’s no getting around it. It’s an abomination. Obama hanging his head in shame around 0:40 is pretty priceless though. We’ve all been there, brah.

GOLF
Golf is pretty “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” If Obama is an ace golfer, it’s because he’s a country club elitist. If he really sucks, he’s not a man of the people and loses the muni golf vote. Fortunately, he falls in that nice thick middle where 80% of all golfers reside: he’s got a decent swing, but probably shouldn’t start betting twenty bucks a hole anytime soon. This YouTube video, put together by someone who’s clearly not a fan, shows just how important such things are (”Sure this is just golf, but it’s symptomatic of the entire presidency.”)

Wait, did he just show how manly Bush was by showing a clip from Fahrenheit 9/11? A clip that actually demonstrated the intellectual unseriousness of the Bush administration in favor of dumb manly PR stuff? Thank you, YouTube user IOTW2009, for making our damn point for us.

FOOTBALL
The official White House Flickr is littered with pics of Obama cradling the pigskin and the guy is an infamous big fan of the sport. There doesn’t seem to be any video evidence of whether the guy’s got a decent spiral, but he clearly knows what he’s talking about here, as evidenced in this memorable appearance on Monday Night Football the night before the election. Ten hours to go and the guy’s jabbering on about a college football playoff system. YES WE CAN.

BASKETBALL

Whew oh thank God.

So basically, what we’ve got in the White House is your average weekend warrior, decently good enough at most sports with passing-to-fanatical knowledge and fandom, depending on the sport and team. Sounds pretty normal to me. But, good God, what on Earth does that have to do with being President? Why do we need our President to also be our point guard and ace quarterback, like we need this Big Strong Man to protect us? It’s not like he’s arm-wrestling world leaders or anything. Do people think international treaties are decided by a home run derby? This goes for liberals, too, because everybody swooned and swooned when he hit that three, and laughed when Bush fell off his bike.

Why can’t our President just be a smart guy, and who gives a crap what he eats or how he throws? All I know is it’s gonna be a trip when President Madison finally arrives in a time machine, and everybody makes him chug a beer and run the bases, and if he doesn’t do it fast enough we burn Washington again.

Obama reps Chicago’s South Side, delivers All-Star first pitch [Big League Stew]