Get To Know Your Dictator: Anastasio Somoza

The Three Somozas

“Anastasio Somoza is a son of a bitch, but he is our son of a bitch.” Those were the words of president Franklin Roosevelt about the grand asshole of Nicaragua who ruled the Nicas with an iron fist for 30 years, until someone finally put a cap in his ass. Anastasio was unlike some of his fellow dictatorial brethren in that he didn’t start off life as a military guy, but rather in the business world which gave him a knack for selling Nicaragua like a whore on a street corner to any john who could pay the bill. (Usually the U.S.)

Anastasio, (no, he was not the long lost Romanov princess. Or was he?), was born into a wealthy family of coffee growers. He spent much of his youth in Philly eating cheesesteaks and taking business classes at the Pierce School of Business Administration. This would come in handy later when he ran Nicaragua like a corporation with himself as the jackass in charge.

Back in Nicaragua, like many dictators, Somoza was a failure at any other kind of work. (Hitler and painting, Castro and baseball, Trujillo and Hula dancing.) So, he decided to go into dictatoring full time. He became the second in command to his wife’s uncle Juan Bautista Sacasa, who was the leader of the Liberal party. Meanwhile a leftist leaning revolutionary named Augusto Sandino–the Sandinista rebels are named after him–was leading a revolt to throw the Yanquis out of Nicaragua. The U.S. wasn’t having any of that shit, so they sent the Marines in after Sandino, who evaded capture like some kind of Nicaraguan ninja (Ninjaraguan?)

Sandino, Sacasa, and the United States decided to call a truce and they came together to sign a peace accord. Sacasa was elected president and Sandino decided to lay down arms. This was too much for Anastasio, as peace accords are like dictator Kryptonite. He saw his chance to grab power, and he did it the old fashioned way: MURDER!

Somoza had Sandino assassinated in clear breach of the safe passage clause inherent in any treaty negotiation. He then used his thugs to kill any Sandino supporter they could find. Finally he forced Sacasa to resign and appoint him as his successor, effectively ending democratic rule in Nicaragua until…wait. When did it start back up again?

Somoza then set up shop, inviting the United States to take anything they wanted from Nicaragua on the cheap. Gold, oil, and anything else their hearts desired were offered at a discount which mostly went into Somoza’s gigantic piggy bank. When World War II started, he took possession of the vast land holdings belonging to the thousands of Germans that had come to Nicaragua over the last century. Mind you, the government didn’t take possession of the lands, he did. This was easily done under emergency powers as the two countries were at war (I bet Hitler shit his leiderhosen when he heard the Nicas were coming after his ass.) With this action, Somoza officially became the richest landowner in Nicaragua. Then he spent the next 15 years or so brutally suppressing dissent with the classic tools of murder, rape, and torture administered through secret police forces and death squads. The rest of the time was spent stealing millions from anyone he could. The Nicaraguan people were in a desperate state of poverty. Even by third world standards, they was po. The United States tolerated all this because he was an anti-communist and they were pissing their pants with fear that the region would fall to the commies and they would lose control of  Nicaragua, Panama, and the Panama Canal. Somoza used this to his advantage, massacring any opposition groups and telling the United States that he only did it because they were commies. Convenient.

In 1956 a poet by the name of Rigoberto Perez Lopez shot Somoza, who died a few days later (one might say it was…poetic justice…HA!) His son Luis succeeded him and carried on his big pappi’s bad name by picking up the standard of assholedom and holding it aloft. After Luis, came his other son Anastasio, Jr. who was also a huge dick and spent much of his turn as dictator trying to suppress the Sandinista revolt led by mustachioed super star Daniel Ortega. In 1980 the Sandinistas killed Anastasio, Jr. by blowing him up with Soviet made granade launchers. Thus, the Somoza clan exited Nicaraguan politics with a bang. (Ha!)

In the end, 50 years of brutal dictatorship led to the very thing thing the United States was most afraid of: a commie presence in Central America. The Somoza clan just goes to show you, that even if he is “your” asshole, he’s still an asshole.