Spread The Word: Study Shows Daily Sex Improves Health Of Man Gravy

Dr. David Greening, a researcher at fertility institute Sydney IVF in Australia, is trying to get you laid. He told delegates at the European Society for Human Reproduction and Embryology that daily ejaculations improve the health of a man’s sperm. His theory is that the longer the jizz remains in your balls the little egg eating tadpoles get lazy and the DNA breaks down due to exposure to small reactive molecules that cause cell death, commonly referred to as free radicals. Did you hear that gente?! Free radicals are attacking our manch dressing!

Presumably, nobody wants stale, half dead sauce festering in their cojones and women don’t want to get that stanky juice splattered on their faces either. The answer is clear. We need to be serving skeet salads every single day to keep the boner brew fresh. You might say, no shit, I’ve been trying to get my rocks off everyday since the 6th grade. Well good, now we know why. If we don’t make cum bubbles everyday, there is scientific evidence that we suffer. And like any good half baked notion that might get us sex, we must use this to our advantage.

For instance, we might try this one out if the chick that lets us live in her house says she’s tired or constipated or has a yeast infection:

Look baby, I neeeeeed to skeet slap you tonight or else my love juices will suffer painful attacks from free radicals. You don’t want my nut nectar to go sour do you?!

It might work, it might not. Be careful how you phrase it though cause it could end up sounding like this in her baby-making brain:

Oh baby, I love you so much and I really think this is time for us to be trying to conceive a beautiful child of our own and the health of my spermies will suffer if we don’t try everyday.

Ack! You don’t want to get things twisted and end up with a crazed babymama-to-be making family plans and shopping for rings. We need to take Dr. Denning’s info and frame it as a trumped up explanation for blue balls. We’ve all tried to be like:

Omg baby, you got me so hard and now if I don’t release this spooge I’m gonna end up with sore ass blue balls and it’ll hurt so bad.

That worked until the 9th grade, but once you’ve said it to every guapa on the block, it loses its impact. So maybe we should try this on the college educated bitches we’re preying upon now:

Darling, I’ve been reading a lot of science and shit and there’s this study out there that shows that if men don’t blow their load at least once a day, FREE RADICALS will destroy the cells and it could cause serious damage. You know how health conscious I am and I feel like to obtain my maximum wellness and to be the best boyfriend I can be, I really need my daily dosage of nut busting.

Ah yes, that shit has got to work. Of course she might leave your pervy ass with nothing but a trip to the internet spank bank and you’ll be stuck with a full helping of cocknog all to yourself. And in that case, we give you this:

Phew, there we go. Let the skeet nuggets be free.