The Anyguey Guide To Chili Pepper Hotness

Latinos like spicy food. Those that aren’t pussies, that is. [Ed. Note: By this I don't mean women, who have vaginas, colloquially called a pussy, but rather a weak, whiny, cowardly, flaccid individual. Many women I know have bigger balls than any man.]

So, to begin again, unless they are huge, crying-baby-pussies, Latinos love spicy food. There is spicy and then there is melt your face off into a puddle of goo spicy. Many a person with a false sense of tolerance has taken on a 6-piece of volcanic fire buffalo wings only to regret it the next day, you know, “on the way out.” It is important to know your limits, and with that in mind, Anyguey wishes to school you on the Scoville Scale Of Spiciness.

This rating system was invented by a chemist named Wilbur Scoville in 1912. He spent his entire life studying the compound Capsaicin that causes a burning sensation when eaten as a defense mechanism of the plant.  It is measured in Scoville Heat Units (S.H.U.) which is the number of times it must be diluted before it no longer burns. So check it:

The Scoville Scale Of Spiciness

0 S.H.U.: Green Or Bell Peppers

Any nancy boy pussy can eat this and not cry their little girly tears.

1000 S.H.U.: The Ancho Pepper

Nice flavor but not hot, no balls required.

2500 S.H.U.: The Poblano Pepper

Little hotter, good to stuff with cheese and yum. May want to sit this one out Col. Von pussypants.

3500 S.H.U.: The Jalapeño Pepper

A classically hot pepper, great flavor, nice burn. Don’t even think about it Puss-Puss.

10000 S.H.U.: The Chipotle Pepper

(Not just a crappy fast taco joint.) Smokey, hot, and favorrific. Chipotle>Pussies.

35,000 S.H.U.: The Cayenne Pepper

Iz hot an make yo mouf wata, I guarontee. Go on Pussy, y’all ain’t welcome.

200,000 S.H.U.: The Habanero Pepper

King of spiciness. Native to Cuba (represent), this pepper is not for the beginner. It can hurt, like really hurt. Would kill a pussy, dead, ey.

So, impress that cute girl that works at the Mexican restaurant in your neighborhood with your knowledge of Scoville units, and knowing is half the battle.