Them’s Killing Words: Colombian Soccer Player Murders Insulting Fan

Javier Florez, a midfielder for the Atletico Junior team in Barranquilla, Colombia turned himself in to authorities after shooting Israel Castillo, a 27-year-old electrician, straight dead after Castillo allegedly called Florez a “maleta” which must be the most gangsta-ass thing you could call someone. Oh wait, actually it just means “lousy.” Apparently, Atletico Junior lost a local championship last week and many fans blamed the loss on Florez’s poor play. As Florez was driving around, days after the loss, a group of hecklers, (including many children), began throwing sticks, stones and other items that might break your bones at Florez. In addition, the “fans” were chanting insults such as “maleta maleta maleta!” and these words were what really hurt Florez. The jugador became luchador and then murderador in an instant by jumping out the car and shooting at the crowd.  Israel Castillo was shot twice and died shortly thereafter. Witnesses claimed Florez abandoned his vehicle at the scene and got the fuck out on foot, leaving his car to be thrashed by the incensed mob. Hours later, he turned himself in.

What is weird is that people are saying Mr. Florez was all fucked up when he lost his shit and started shooting people. Elias Escamilla, uncle of victim Israel Castillo, told Caracol Radio that “[Florez] was under influence of marijuana, the car smelt of marijuana and tests performed by authorities confirmed it.”

Wait, what? Marijuana?!?! You must be trippin’, uncle Eli! Nobody gets violent after smoking weed. If Florez were smoking the cheeba, he would have either driven away or got out the car and tried to make peace. This happened in Colombia though, right? Let’s face it, if the cops found marijuana it most definitely had some cocaina sprinkled on it making a murderous “primo.” Now we’re starting to get the picture.

So instead of this perplexing headline: Soccer Player High On Weed Shoots Man For Insult; we ought to see something like: Cracked Out Soccer Player Kills One Man After Attack By Incensed Mob. Makes so much more sense, right?