Alex Vs. Alex: Hypin’, Stereotypin’

Much is made about how Latinos and Latinas, while both spicy and/or tamales, are worlds apart when it comes to having sex through a sheet on their wedding night. But, as (self-) certified sex experts female Alex A. & male Alex P. show, we’re not really so different. Things might get touchy from time to time, but the Alexes on the Sexes always remain congenial. Or congenital, as it were. Let’s all come together, shall we?

She-Alex: Ok. More truth or dare but enough of [REDACT]ing our [REDACT]s while eating [REDACT] on a [REDACT]. Be honest: What stereotypes about latinos and sex do you WISH were true?

He-Alex: Ok. My [REDACT] is bleeding anyway. Hmm. Ok. Well, the whole spicy latino/a thing always pisses me off ’cause I’m not a food; I’m a cock. But at the same time, I think I get the meaning: LATINOS LIKE SEX. And in that sense, I am a spicy motherfucker and, yeah, I guess I  wish it were true that Latinas were just as spicy as me.

She-Alex: In that we can, like,  keep up? Or in that we think about penises (and/or vaginas) all the time?

He-Alex: Well, both. But mainly it would be nice to know that upon meeting a Latina, there will be hot, no-holds-barred sex involved.

She-Alex: Oh, I see. So, like, the stereotype that you are guaranteed hot, passionate, sweaty, oddly guanabana-scented sex when you happen upon a Latino.

He-Alex: Exactly. When you meet someone there’s all this like, “Ooooh, she’s hot, she’s funny, she’s smart.” But does she want to fuck like crazy? Does she want to fuck twice last night and once in the morning? You can’t tell until you’ve already invested a lot of TIME and ENERGY.

She-Alex: Dating - Just an obstacle in the way of getting laid. You know what stereotype I wish were true? That all Latinas can dance. I can’t manage anything more than the “cross arms over chest and bob your head slightly” move at shows. But dancing is sexy when it’s done right. So. I wish I had that innate ability.

He-Alex: WHAT. You can’t dance?!!

She-Alex: I was once asked to dance at a quinces. When my friend, the quinceanera, realized her mistake, she made sure to keep me kind of shuffling oddly in the background in my big pineapple hairdo while the other members of the court performed a rueda and probably all went home and had sex with each other as I painted my nails silver in my room while listening to Orgy. I mean Celia Cruz.

He-Alex: I think I may be revealing myself as the most stereotypical Latino ever because I love sex and my dancing makes people point and stare. With trepidation, delight and desire for more. Oh wait, but I went to college and have no kids.

She-Alex: There’s also, I think, the stereotype that Latinos are aggressive when it comes to flirting; they know what they want and they get it. I wish that one were true, too. I’d spend more time, like. I don’t know. Sighing against a column on the cover of a Corín Tellado novel with some hot people hanging off me and less time pretending to tend to a hangnail on the subway so I don’t have to make eye contact.

Not that I can’t talk a big game when drunk in that magical slice of time between my second drink and the floor.

He-Alex: Actually, I am with you on that. I am not as aggressive as I should/could be. I generally play it safe when flirting ’cause I don’t want to seem like a skeevy rapist. I generally go with benign convos, a hand on the arm/shoulder and buying drinks. But I also rock a desirous glare that must come off as either angry, horny or sicko.

She-Alex: I think I go cross-eyed when drunk.

He-Alex: Well, I’m sure that’s cute. But what about how guys perceive you? Do you find them being especially inclined to think you’re down to get/go down?

She-Alex: Most guys don’t believe me when I say I’m Cuban. They need “proof.” And proof they GET. After MARRIAGE. Mom. If you’re reading this even after I advised you not to. But, yeah. White boys have an especially hard time believing I’m Latina until I get mad and start talking with my hands.

He-Alex Proof of your communist vulva?

She-Alex: My vulva is pretty fascist. It does not belong to the people.

He-Alex: Funny. ‘Cause my cock is like 24-hour diner. Open everyday, but Christmas. You’ll regret it when it’s over. But when you’re there it feels like comfort food.

She-Alex: And, yet, they say the best things come on Christmas.

He-Alex: Just cause I’m not fucking, I’m still coming. I have no idea what that means, except that I spank it over a glass of egg nog.

She-Alex: …

He-Alex: ANYway, gente, what do you think? What stereotypes about latinos and sex do you WISH were true?

Answer or we’ll [REDACT] your [REDACT]s. So hard. And if you have any questions for us for next week, email us at either alejandra@guanabee.com or alejandro.paz@guanabee.com. Or you can find us each on Twitter.