Alex Vs. Alex: Lip Service

Much is made about how Latinos and Latinas, while both spicy and/or tamales, are worlds apart when it comes to having sex through a sheet on their wedding night. But, as (self-) certified sex experts female Alex A. & male Alex P. show, we’re not really so different. Things might get touchy from time to time, but the Alexes on the Sexes always remain congenial. Or congenital, as it were. Let’s all come together, shall we?

Labiaplasty: Lip Service

alex a: So a friend sent me an article about chocha surgery and my first reaction was, hm, a vulva probably has to look fairly jacked up for a guy to refuse it. Do guys tend to notice or care about asymmetry and that sort of thing?

alex p: Well you are def correct that men have a high tolerance for jackeduppedness when it comes to getting their dick wet, but we definitely do notice. How jacked up are we talking? I mean, from my perspective, each chocha has something unique to offer. Like a snowflake

alex a: I guess that’s the issue. Is there such a thing as “jacked up?” I suspect girls have a different sense of what a vulva is supposed to look like than guys do.

alex p: Well, yeah. As we know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Women seem to get sensitive about aspects of their bodies that some men actually find attractive. What exactly does this mysterious chocha surgery entail?

alex a: A common procedure involves trimming either (or both) the inner and outer lips to make them smaller or more even. Which I guess is useful if you have a tendency to trip over them.

alex p: Yikes, that makes me cringe just thinking about it. I just googled labiaplasty and came up with some excellently graphic before and after photos. turns out, before and after: each looking good. I can see how there’s a normal version and an “abnormal” version,
but, to me, that version looks like more fun to play with. Just saying.

alex a: Yeah. I’m sure having to maybe throw a lip over one’s shoulder for the purpose of coitus can be a hassle. But I assume that’s rare.

alex p: It’s never happened to me

alex a: And I guess the question I have is… Where did women who elect to have these surgeries learn to dislike their vulvas? If guys aren’t universally, like, “Whoa. Clip your shit,” where are they getting the idea that something is wrong with the way theirs looks?

alex p: Right, that’s what I was about to ask you. I mean, there is surely a subset of men that want to pick out every flaw a woman has, to make her feel badly and then change for him. Look at dudes buying boob jobs, nose jobs, nalga implants. But for the most part, I’m wondering why a woman would want to chop such a preciously delicate piece of flesh off their bodies?

alex a: See, with collagen “G-shots” or surgery to make sex less painful, etc, I can get it. I can get wanting to do something risky and expensive to have a better quality sex life. And maybe you will enjoy sex less if floppy lips or whatever because you feel unsure about how it looks and you can’t get into the act. Sex has so much to do with one’s mental space, that if you’re hung up on your body to the point that you can’t enjoy sex, it often makes sense to “correct” the physical problem instead of possibly addressing the thinking behind it

alex p: Ok, yes on the first point. I get anything to make sex less painful. As for G-spot-shots, that may be an issue of needing to find a man expert in G-spotology. Ahem.
But the problem I see with women thinking that they’re ABnormal must have to do with not seeing very many vaginas other than their own. Most women who have vulivic paranoia likely come to the table (or bed or washing machine) with it. How many other vulvas are women aware of before they get to sexing?

alex a: It’s really not often that you hear positive things about vaginas in pop culture. Growing up, I can only recall commercials dealing with yeast infections, periods, “feminine odor” (which, wow, thanks), etc.
They all focused on what could go wrong, or what was messy or considered gross. So it’s like, “yeah, I really want to share this messy, drippy, smelly, secret thing with someone.”
And, other than porn and my own and a few art books, I had no idea what a vulva looked like.
And porn stars and art models, I feel, don’t count.

alex p: Right, they don’t count because they are causing the problem. Despite it being a certain dream of mine, I’ve never been employed as a porn star auditioner, but from my extensive research, smooth vulvas are ubiquitous as double D boob jobs in porn.
In strip clubs, my house, and various other places where I’ve convinced a woman that I’ll be there to comfort her, the vulvas come in all different shapes and sizes. As for the secret thing, from our perspective, we’re taught to find it and ravish it, but not appreciate it. So I can’t let men off the hook for not contributing to this disturbing trend. They are, in fact, the consumers of porn and somehow these porn auditioners (CALL ME!) are picking women with the smoothest snatches

alex a: Also, i mean, on a mushy-lovey level, isnt it kind of nice to get to know someone’s unique … situation?

alex p: Well yes, indeed it is. Especially when the other person is eager to show it off and let it be known. But as you suggested earlier, there’s a lack of confidence that’s fueling these decisions to hack things up.

Say a friend was just all messed up in the mind re: whether her lovelips were right. Say, even, that an ex-bf used to tease her about it. Would you ever counsel her that labiaplasty is an ok thing to do? I mean, maybe your answer is the same for ANY plastic surgery, but slicing up the box seems drastic.

alex a: I would advise your ex gf… I mean hypothetical friend… to seek counseling.
And im not against cosmetic surgery, per se. I just think that it’s important to evaluate why you’re doing this. And who you’re doing it for.

And I dont think this is unique to women - I’ve met guys who’ve felt uneasy about their size. Or at least needed to be told that, yeah, it’s fine. Great even. I think it’s difficult not to compare oneself to others to see how one stacks up.

alex p: Sure, sure, sure. I have a prepared pledge of allegiance to my cock that I encourage my lovers to learn and recite before, after and during coitus. Regardless of being long, strong and down to get the friction on, if I were of the smalldicked variety, I’d eat about 20 boxes of Enzyte before I’d let Dr. Dick do his handiwork.

Aren’t women worried about scarring and making that messy place turn into something like that old lady who looks like a cat? or Octomom? Plastic surgery goes wrong all the time, why risk it for an insecurity that can be corrected with a few trips to the strip club and a visit to beefcurtains.com?

alex a: I’m not going to click on that, just in case.

alex p: I just made it up. But it goes to “mega cock cravers,” so there ya go.

alex a: That’s another thing: There are so many sites, videos, pictorials, etc aimed at women who love cock. Like, that’s the big selling point. But how often do you hear about guys who LOVE to eat girls out?

alex p: In my head, like every 2 minutes. But true, there’s not a vaginadiner.com.

alex a: Are you making all these up? I’m so afraid.

alex p: Yes and I want to buy that site now.

alex a: I feel like there are enough things to worry about during sex that people need to calm down about their genitalia. Unless it has an warts or open sores, it’s probably just fine. I think everyone would benefit from getting to know themselves better too. And naming it. That’s step one of genital acceptance

alex p: Oh shit, does this mean your vulva has a name?! Is it muffy, conchita or la kitty??

alex a: Haha. It has been given a name, yes. But that will not be revealed at this time.
But isnt giving it a name, like, usually a sign that you’re really into / proud of your junk? I feel boys are taught to really love their dicks so they’re all about naming it and giving it a personality. Singing to it. Buying it gifts.

alex p: Wow, I guess I need to get on that. I mean…I need to name my cock. I must have yet to achieve genital acceptance. BUT I LOVE MY MR. MAN!

alex a: You’ve never named yours?!

alex p: Well, I usually go with whatever the girl decides, which is usually something like awesome or makes me come so hard.

alex a: People should name them!

alex p: Ok, well I think you’ve solved the problem of genital paranoia. You should be encouraging a worldwide junk naming campaign.

alex a: I think commenters should tell us either 1) what they’ve named theirs or 2) the best junk name they’ve come across. Pun very much intended.

alex p: Agreed. It’s up to you, patrons of the junk. What’s the name of your game? What is your view of the pooh…nanny?

alex a: Haha. Silly.

So, yeah. Let us know your (or your favorite) nickname for a penis or vulva or some combination thereof. And if you have any questions for us for next week, email us at either alejandra@guanabee.com or alejandro.paz@guanabee.com. Or you can find us each on Twitter.