Alex Vs. Alex: Working Out Your Kinks

Much is made about how Latinos and Latinas, while both spicy and/or tamales, are worlds apart when it comes to having sex through a sheet on their wedding night. But, as (self-) certified sex experts female Alex A. & male Alex P. show, we’re not really so different. Things might get touchy from time to time, but the Alexes on the Sexes always remain congenial. Or congenital, as it were. Let’s all come together, shall we?

He-Alex: Ok, so Alex, a friend of mine just sent me this link on kids having porn star sex because of the proliferation of dirty nasty fetish porn and it made me pause. Do you think we are trending towards a general acceptance of facials, foot jobs and bondage? Porn is cool now, no? Everybody, and especially young people, don’t feel like it’s as stigmatized. So we all feel comfy stroking it in the privacy of our homes/libraries/bathrooms.

Do you think that’s making a difference in people’s sexual activity beyond just with themselves? Or rather, how much?

She-Alex: Well I think that’s an interesting point - even as porn become more prevalent and mainstream, does that mean people are necessarily comfortable with it? This was one of the questions explored in Inside Deep Throat, an amazing documentary on Deep Throat and the impact it had on culture and politics during the 70s and beyond. (As if anything beyond 1977 matters.)  The movie’s director, Gerard Damiano, honestly thought mainstream Hollywood and, like, Van Nuys would merge together. What ended up happening was that VCRs and videos made it easy for people to get off to whatever they wanted in private.

He-Alex: Right, but is that grand merger happening now? This article suggests that because tons of kids are checking porn, maybe becoming addicted, in their teens shit like this happens: “Some boys, like one 17-year-old quoted in the piece, believe that ‘there is just something about blowing a load in a chick’s face that makes you feel like a man.’”

But then it goes on to point out: “For most men over 30, facials aren’t something you actually do. They’re like car chases or hurling someone through a plate-glass window — the difference between cinema and life.”
I feel like maybe I’m right in the middle.

She-Alex: Well cumming on your partner’s face - especially certain power dynamics already in place if you’re a male and she is, well, not - is an interesting act because the one doing the cumming is, obviously, enjoying this. But, what about the other person’s pleasure? I know there is something about seeing someone orgasm, visually, that is exciting and I’m sure that’s part of the appeal if you’re on the receiving end. But even so, there are myriad other places a person can come that is not on your sweet little face. So, why there?

He-Alex: Ok yeah, like this 22 year-old beginning porn star said: “Even if [a porn star] has eight dicks on her face, she’s still the queen of those eight dicks. I definitely like come on the face.”

I never even thought of it that way, before reading that, I had always thought of bukkakes as the most shady dominating shit you (with a group) could do to a woman.

She-Alex: Well, the question is how this Dick Queen came to that conclusion, you know? Like, obviously, she’s going to receive positive reinforcement from guys who want to bust on her face. And she’ll be seen as edgy and kinky and open-minded - all those buzzwords Axe ads tell us we want to be.

He-Alex: Ok, so are you saying that bukkake is, in fact, inherently wrong? And her appreciation of it is caused by a flaw in societal norms?

She-Alex: No way. I don’t think being a sub or wanting to be humiliated or degraded are inherently bad tendencies. I think they can be really fun and healthy for consenting couples (or trios, or…) but I do think it’s worth it, especially for women, to take some time and evaluate the how’s and why’s of what gets them off. Not to make excuses or apologies, but in order to know yourself and really understand what you’re comfortable with.

He-Alex: It’s interesting that you say “especially for women,” because I would think that the reasons why men are getting off by facializing, pissing upon or getting pegged by women is of equal importance. Isn’t in an issue that this kid identifies “feeling like a man” with squeezing out a pearl necklace on his fuck buddy?

She-Alex: Yeah, it’s definitely an issue. But this has been the norm for such a long time - guys getting off, guys being catered to, guys feeling like men, guys setting the pace and leading the way, that it’s all the more important now that women are ALLOWED to have choices and wants when it comes to sex, that they analyze why helping a guy feel like a man is something she chooses to be part of her sexual experience.

He-Alex: I guess I see that, but then the question becomes, why am I driven to this fetish, why do I want this man to jizz on my face, what does it do for me? How do you actually handle that ? When you have a partner that wants to go to a different, wild, fetishy place, does one actually have the presence of mind to consider the motivation? Or do they just do one of: relent, get psyched or go awko taco?

She-Alex: Well. It depends, I think, on context. When I’ve approached partners about trying something different, it’s been both because 1) I didn’t care about the person and felt he was just a means to an end and 2) I really loved the person and wanted him to please me / wanted to do what I could to please him. Love and kink can coexist often enough.

He-Alex: Ok, good point. I wasn’t thinking of kink introduction in a comfortable, communicative environment. This is or is NOT from personal experience, but there’s an element of having pornyfetishsex where you’re with someone you don’t know, you’re in a place you’ve never been and you just want to keep going and not start talking.

But I guess what is driving the trend is a desire to go beyond the established norms. We could blame porn, but the porn is just a result of us. We check it, and it gets the page views. Do you think it’s a tolerance issue? Like our minds thrive on the chemically charged pleasure (not unlike any drug) and we need more exotic imagery/experiences to keep it going strong?

She-Alex: Porn has as much of a relationship to us as we have to it. We do, ultimately, choose what we click on. We establish limits and boundaries for ourselves. I’m not sure whether that’s true for everyone. I’m sure some people really are happy being vanilla and leaving it at that. Although I would ask them to ask themselves as well “Why?”

He-Alex: Right, they may be just sticking to the norm as a conservative position. Which is cool, but surely there are suppressed desires.

She-Alex: Yeah. My fear is that a lot of people who basically learn about sex via porn will succumb to roles.

So, like, Ms. Dick Queen. That could be a role women fall into, and they’re rewarded for it. They’re part of pop culture and counter culture at once. And it’s tempting to keep subscribing to playing a character. And, don’t get me wrong - we all play characters. It’s a question of how well the costume fits.

He-Alex: Is it? How do we measure that? And if it fits? Does that make it good? Let’s say I play the character of a lascivious, fuck anything that moves, dirty, secret basement sex enthusiast? How do I know if it fits? It just feels really good when I do it. Oh shit, but what if it feels really badly after? Is the measurement of whether your costume fits whether you can justify it to yourself and feel confident about it out in the real world?

She-Alex: Well, if the costume is Latex, I recommend copious amounts of baby powder to reduce sweat and chafing. Guffaw, etc. But it’s like, hey. This is your sex life. Just like any other aspect of your health, it’s up to you to care of it.

He-Alex: So are you saying like that little porn star who’s about to be the next bukkake queen on the scene needs to analyze whether she likes feeling badly after getting jizzed on? Or is it only a matter of health? Not the motivation?

She-Alex: Well it’s a matter of health, yeah. Sex is psychological. It’s emotional. It’s mental. I don’t think the act of receiving a facial is in itself wrong or bad or dirty. It’s all about context. It’s about the people involved and their motivation, who is giving and who is receiving, and to what extent. If you know that you love getting face fucked by a woman dressed a teddy bear while she berates you then, hey. You win. Most people have no idea what they want and, if they do, they don’t know how to ask for it.

He-Alex: OMG, but now I totally want that face fucking teddy bear. But yeah, then I think we must have come around to the fact that porn is awesome as hell for kids to view because it speeds up their analysis and familiarity of “what they want and how to ask for it.”

She-Alex: Haha!

He-Alex: Hehe, yeah, but I’m not joking. If porn in our creation, and one way or another it’s encouraging a more sex-positive world, then shouldn’t we embrace it? If porn is bound to be enmeshed in the mainstream, why not take ownership and demand that porn is fused with literary and artistic content as it appeals to prurient interests?

She-Alex: This where questioning your motivation comes in: It’s a way to make sure you are taking ownership of what porn has to offer you, while not being consumed by porn and demands and expectations that come from it. Porn is broad. It’s difficult to talk about porn as a general thing. There are porn stars (like Jiz Lee) who play with the idea of gender, subvert hetero-normative roles and enjoy having lots and lots of hands inserted into their vaginas. There are porn stars, like Sasha Grey, who shocked when asked to get punched in the stomach. And there are various porn stars who are blonde and tan with fake breasts who fake every orgasm they’ve ever had. It’s about what you’re into and, really, how aware you are that sex produced to be looked at can be worlds apart from sex meant to be felt.

What’s your relationship with porn? Did it teach you something valuable - even if that valuable lesson was “I don’t like porn?” Let us know. And if you have any questions for us for next week, email us at either alejandra@guanabee.com or alejandro.paz@guanabee.com. Or you can find us each on Twitter.