Hugo Chavez Wants To Ban Golf And 10 More Things

Author:
joaquintomas

13 Aug 2009 | 19:59 Comments: 7

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Venezuelan "president" and man about town Hugo Chavez has decided that the people of Venezuela have a new enemy: golf. That's right, the sport of Tiger woods and madras jackets is being touted as a "bourgeois sport." Ok, so it is kind of a bourgeois sport, but so what? Aren't there worse things in this world, issues that need to be addressed other than whether or not people can tee off? This isn't the first weird thing Hugo has outlawed. Here's a list of some other's he's either outlawed or we could see him outlawing:

Things Hugo has outlawed or wants to outlaw:

Coke Zero: Chavez outlawed Coke Zero, because it was a threat to the health of Venezuelans. We think it's because he's secretly an agent for Pepsi One.
Rival TV Networks: If you are a network that criticizes Hugo's government he will simply not renew your broadcasting license, or he'll have his girlfriend Lina Ron throw tear gas in your studio. Tune in to Alo Presidente, though.
Golf: It's bourgeois, wastes public land, and is a lazy man's sport. Forget for a moment that Cuba is building 10 or more golf courses and communist China has more than 300 courses. It's counter-revolutionary because Hugo hates plaid pants.
Blackberries: Hugo controls access to the Internet and he realized that Venezuelans were accessing the web through the Blackberry network. So he shut that down and created the Vergatorio, a phallic sounding mobile device that uses the state controlled network.
Halloween: Hugo hates ghosts. They are scary and they try to steal his binky (the stuffed Fidel Castro figure he sleeps with.) He called it a game of "imperialist terror."

What we think he will outlaw next:

Pants: They constrict the blood flow of the revolution to the proletarian wiener. Everyone will wear kilts and caftans, the non-binding fabric allowing the balls to breathe free air. All plaid pants will be shot.
Parrots: They can talk and are highly intelligent. How do you know they are not spies from the United States? Also they are known associates of pirates, who are rampant capitalists.
John Stamos: He just doesn't trust him. He's so handsome, and Uncle Jesse seems to have all the answers. Only Hugo can be both handsome AND have all the answers.
The Song Stylings of Simon and Garfunkel: No, guys, everything is not groovy. You are not a rock or an island of Venezuelan society. Hugo is, and so your music will enjoy the Sound of Silence.
Fun: If you are having fun you aren't fighting for the revolution are you? Stop smiling! Stop it! Now go dig up some oil for Uncle Hugo.

Chavez Fans Push To Remove Legacies Of U.S. Capitalism-Golf Courses [NY Times] Chavez To Shut Down Opposition TV [BBC] Chavez Calls For A Ban On Halloween [BBC] Venezuela Fabricara Un "Blackberry", Del Estilo 'Vergatario' [Noticias 24]

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golf, hugo chavez, politics, sports

Comments

Latin_Princess August 13,2009

I think he will also outlaw: Sweet 'n Low: Chavez only needs to put his finger in your drink to make it sweet. Walter Mercado: It's actually Chavez who solved the mystery of Nostradamus' powers and he can now predict absolutely anything. Elevators: Get your lazy ass off the golf course and walk up those 14 flights of stairs! The Moon: Chavez has just discovered he can control the tides, gravity, magnetism, menstrual cycles, werewolves and baby deliveries.
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Jack Tomas August 13,2009

I think you may be right Latin Princess. I'd watch out though, only Hugo can be a Latin Princess.
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ElloDee August 13,2009

I laughed so HARD when I saw the future outlawing of Walter Mercado!
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Latin_Princess August 14,2009

Well, shit. You bring up an excellent point. Hmmm... I was going to suggest that Chavez gets to be the Latin Queen. But that would only start a massive shit storm between him and Ricky Martin. Guess I will have to relinquish my crown. Sigh...
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