Hugo Chavez Passed Five New Laws Last Night

Last night, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez basically locked Venezuelan legislators in their chamber and forced them to pass laws that further consolidate his power. If it seems like we are obsessed with Chavez…it’s because we are. Asking why we constantly cover him is like asking why The Enquirer always talks about Brangelina or why Perez Hilton talks about Zac Efron’s wiener. Chavez is like a hilarious train wreck that we can’t help looking at, even if he is leading to the destruction of Venezuela. Anyway, the new laws:

• Unlimited re-elections.
• All power that belonged to state and local governments now goes to Hugito.
• A modified education curriculum that pushes Chavez’s philosophy.
• Power to shut down any media outlet that criticizes him with no warning. Media outlets cannot appeal to be reinstated.
• The state can seize any land it wants.

Typical dictator shit, but Chavez’s ambitions are not limited to Venezuela, he is an empire builder. He is constantly threatening Colombia, Bolivia, and Peru with invasion because, once he has enough power, that is exactly what he’s going to do. It appears that Chavez is not trying to be like Castro after all, but Napoleon or Kim Jung Il. He has created a cult of personality around himself, created a strange hybrid form of communism, and consolidated control of everything in Venezuelan society, but unlike Fidel, he is bat shit crazy. We’ve previously reported on some of his crazy laws like outlawing golf and Coke Zero, but it seems clear that Chavez also wants to take over all of South America, you know like a lunatic. His movement is called Bolivarinism, after Simon Bolivar who tried to create a unified South American empire after he routed the Spanish. Chavez sees himself as the new Bolivar, the man who will unite all of Latin America and rule from his Hugo Chavez shaped throne, drink from Hugo Chavez shaped goblets, in a castle shaped like a swan. [Ed.: You thought we were going to say the castle was shaped like Hugo Chavez, huh? That would be silly.]

One thing history is taught us is that you can be an asshole dictator to your own people as long as you don’t want to extend your empire. The reason Castro stayed in power so long is that he only ruled that little island. If he had tried to conquer the Caribbean he would have been shut down real quick. Don’t get too big for your britches Hugito, or else you’re gonna lose everything.

Chavez Aprieta El Acelerador [BBC Mundo]
Chavez Stirs Anxiety Over US Miltary Deal In Columbia [Christian Science Monitor]