Inside The “Three Amigos” Summit, 2009

The leaders of all three NAFTA countries finished their summit in Guadalajara today, a meeting of what some in the press have called “The Three Amigos.” Here’s a special peek inside the proceedings.

Mexican President Felipe Calderon: Gentlemen, thank you both for being here.

US President Barack Obama: Well, of course, Felipe. You know these talks are of the highest priority for us. We really need a united front with our neighbors on both sides of our borders.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper: Right. Wouldn’t want to offend our “amigos.”

Calderon: Ha ha. Amigos.

Obama: Yes. Amigos, indeed.

Harper: The Three Amigos!

Calderon: Right.

Harper: (Holding up glass of orange juice) To The Three Amigos! One for each other and all for one!

Obama: Uh, sure thing, Steve.

Harper: Come on, guys. Get your glasses up!

Calderon: I understand that it’s bad luck to cheers with non-alcoholic beverages.

Harper: Well, then let’s get some drinks in here, huh?

Obama: Stephen, it’s 8:30 in the morning.

Harper: Sorry, I just get excited about these things, Amigos.

Obama: Yeah, “amigos.” I tell you, I can’t really figure out why we’ve got to be The Three Amigos. Is it just because there are three of us, and we happen to be in Mexico?

Calderon: I guess so. It’s harmless.

Obama: I mean, I supposed it’s cute or something. Ah well. Tell you the truth I’ve never even seen the movie.

Harper: You haven’t?

Calderon: I saw it many years ago. It’s OK.

Harper: Yeah. It’s my favorite movie of all time.

(Long pause)

Obama: Really?

Harper: Oh yeah.

Obama: Of all time?

Harper: Why do you think I asked everyone to start calling us The Three Amigos? That movie rocks, Obama.

Obama: Well, like I said, I’ve never–

Harper: I can’t believe you’ve never see it! It’s on Comedy Central every other Saturday. Calderon?

Calderon: What?

Harper: You’re telling me you don’t frikkin love that movie?

Calderon: It’s funny enough. In many ways it perpetuates harmful stereotypes of Mexicans as simpletons or tequila-soaked thugs. But Martin Short is quite amusing.

Harper: What are you talking about? You’re being way too sensitive, man. That’s the funniest fucking movie ever made. “Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?” That shit’s gold, Felipe!

Obama: That’s…that’s kind of salty language for a breakfast meeting, Stephen.

Harper: I’m sorry, man. That movie just gets me going. I’ve been looking forward to this meeting for months, because I was hoping we’d just be sitting around and re-enacting our favorite scenes from the movie.

Calderon: I was actually hoping we could discuss your recent policy shifts requiring visas from Mexican citizens visiting your country.

Harper: Yeah yeah yeah, we’ll get to that. Hang on. I got you all presents.

(Harper pulls out three enormous boxes from under the table.)

Obama: Do I even want to open this?

Harper: (Quickly opening his.) Sombreros! Like in the movie! I was hoping we could all wear them while we’re doing the summit. I’ll be Dusty. You guys can fight over who’s Lucky and who’s Ned.

Calderon: This…and Mr. Prime Minister I mean this with all due respect…I find the idea of conducting this meeting in an oversized novelty sombrero to be incredibly humiliating.

Harper: How’s mine look?

Obama: Foolish.

Harper: Oh, come on! Be cool, you guys. There’s no cameras in here.

Calderon: I’m not putting this on.

Harper: Alright. I didn’t want to have to do this, but I guess it’s time to play hardball. Felipe, do you want Mexican citizens to continue to enter Canada without visas? Put on the damned sombrero.

Calderon: I absolutely refuse! And we will further extend our visa requirements for your country and reconsider any open-ended trade deals until–

Obama: Now– Felipe, Stephen, hold on. We’re supposed to be meeting in the spirit of peace and cooperation, aren’t we?

Calderon: Yes.

Harper: Of course.

Calderon: Then, Felipe, I think we’re just going to have to give a little ground and wear the stupid hats. Maybe just until lunch.

Harper: Now we’re talking!

(Calderon and Obama put on their sombreros.)

Harper: There! You all look great!

Calderon: I can feel the shame of my forefathers, weighing down on me as if–

Harper: “Lookuphere! Lookuphere!”

Calderon: What are you doing?!

Harper: It’s from the movie. “Hey you! Lookuphere lookuphere! Whooperwhil!”

Obama: Alright, Stephen. We’ve got the hats on; can we get back to business?

Harper: Of course. My apologies.

Obama: OK. Now, I think we can all agree that fighting the H1N1 virus is of the utmost–

Harper: I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to stop you right there.

Obama: What now?

Harper: I just– I was really hoping we could…well, here.

(Harper pulls out and distributes sheet music.)

Obama: “My Little…Buttercup.” Mr. Prime Minister, this really is starting to–

Harper: We don’t need to sing the whole thing! Just a little bit, like the Three Amigos do in that one bar. Don’t worry about the dance, although that would be totally killer.

Calderon: Mr. Prime Minister, my country is descending into violence as we speak! Cartels run the streets along the border, with a never-ending stream of illegal drugs making their way into both of your countries! This is a matter that requires the utmost seriousness and cooperation between all three of our nations, as we all have a stake, and I simply feel our time would be better spent concentrating on things that matter, rather than things that do not!

(Long pause)

Harper: Would you say those cartels are “infamous?”

Calderon: I will punch you until you fall asleep for good!

Harper: Hang on! We can work together! I’m serious about this. For real. Totally serious. (Takes off sombrero.) See?

Obama: Alright. Well, what did you have in mind?

Harper: What would you say if I told you my country had already developed an effective vaccine for the H1N1 virus, with greater efficacy than your CDC, for every possible strain and mutation? AND we had enough of it to vaccinate every man, woman and child on the continent?

Obama: You did what?

Harper: Our health care is quite a bit more advanced in Canada than you’d think, Mr. President.

Obama: Well that’s…that’s incredible.

Harper: And we’d gladly provide both of your countries with it…

Calderon: Yes?

HaRper: But we need a few assurances. First, enough of this “Buy American” crap.

Calderon: Yeah!

Obama: OK, sure, we can dial it down a little. What else?

*****

(Obama, Calderon, and a smiling Harper appear at separate podiums outside of the summit in Guadalajara.)

Calderon: Chip chip chip chip chip NANNY!

Obama: Farley farley farley farley farley farley farley farley faaaaaaaaaarley.

Harper: This is so fucking great.

And, scene.

“Three amigos” summit dominated by swine flu, trade [Reuters]
Harper blames Canada for visa furor [The Globe and Mail]