The Ground Is Shaking: Telenovela De La Earthquake In The Gulf Of Mexico

An earthquake measuring 6.9 on the Richter scale hit the Gulf of Mexico yesterday and shit got crazy. For a second. Wilfredo Rivera, a manager at a hotel near the coast said, “The earth was turning around really ugly. People got really scared.” Actually, shit remained relatively calm in Baja California and Sonora, the states bordering the Sea of Cortez. Supposedly, nobody died and no significant damage was reported.

But we’re not so sure. A 6.9 generally indicates there’s some robust earth-shaking going on. And that got us thinking what that might feel like for the people there, just going about their business. People like narcos, for instance. Narcos have a lot of crazy shit going on in any particular day, so they’re prepared for attacks from the Federales and being required to attend random kidnappings and killings on short notice.

But are narcos prepared for earthquakes? Moreover, what about those poor people vacationing at Wilfredo’s hotel!? Or dios mio, what about the priests in the many Catholic churches littering Mexico?! Are we sure they’re ok!?!? Let’s have a look.

INT. CAVE-LIKE UNDERGROUND HOT-TUB COMPLEX COMPLETE WITH FAUX STALACTITES, SONORA, MEXICO - AFTERNOON.

Pocho: Ooh babygirl! You feel so good rocking in this bubbly tubbly cave with me.

EARTHQUAKE HAPPENS - GROUND STARTS SHAKING.

Juanita: Ay Pochitoooo!!!! You’re making the earth SHAAAAAKEEEE!!!! You’ve never done me this gooooooodD!!!

Pocho: Holy fucking shit Juanita, that ain’t my piiiiiiiingagagagagagaga, it’s a motherfucking earthquake!!! We gotta get the drogggggagagagaaas!!!

STALACTITE FALLS. POCHO IS IMPALED.

INT. HOTEL ROOM, NEAR BEACH, BAHIA KINO, MEXICO - AFTERNOON.

Paul: Oh yes indeed, pookiepants. This penis to vagina contact is very amusing.

EARTHQUAKE HAPPENS - GROUND STARTS SHAKING.

Jennifer: YIIIIIIIIIIKKKEEEEsSSSS!!! Oh Pauaaluauallalallll, your erection is causing the ground to shake uncontrollabbbbbbbbly. I think I’m having my first orgaaaaaasaassaasssasmmmmmm!!!

Paul: Ohhhhhhohohoh, myyyy gooooossshh. This isss AMaAZAZING!

CHANDELIER FALLS. PAUL IS IMPALED.

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH, BAJA CALIFORNIA, MEXICO - AFTERNOON.

Father Jimenez: Oh little Paco. You are such a darling young boy.

EARTHQUAKE HAPPENS - GROUND STARTS SHAKING.

Paco: Ooooohhhhhhohohhhh noooooooo FATTHHHHERRR!!!  The ggagaground is eeeesssshaking and your holy pene is shoowwwwinngnggg!!! GOD IS ANGGGRRRRRYYYYY!!!

Father Jimenez: Oh mi Jesúsusususssss, perdónanos nuestros pecados, líbranos del fuego del infiernoooooo!!!

CROSS FALLS. FATHER JIMENEZ IS IMPALED.

See what we’re saying? Shit gets deep when a 6.9 earthquake happens.