Five Applications Google Should Make Instead Of “One Box”

In its continuing effort to take over the world by being the coolest goddamn company in the world, Google is rumored to be releasing a new music service product, tentatively called “One Box”. We think that’s great, but here’s five applications we’d like to see instead.

Google Porn

Sure, there’s already an overabundance of porn sites, but if Google were to get into the smut business, we’re pretty sure they would blow the competition away (get it, blow?). One of the features of Google Porn would include keeping track of all your past porn searches and finding that ONE video on the internet that incorporates every weird kinky shit you are into.  Additionally, it will come with a plug-in voice command feature that allows you to change the position of the actors. If you want them to transition from oral sex to hard core, all you have to say is the magic word.

Google Health

Part of Google’s appeal is how they offer everything for free. Well, what could be better than free medical diagnoses, especially at  a time when health care is such a hot button topic. All you have to do is pee in the container pictured above and Google Health will tell you what you have, whether it be a simple cold or the clappy clap you most likely got from that questionable girl you picked up at the bar.

Google Dater

Google Dater will compile any piece of information available on your prospective date. From SAT scores to police reports, you’ll have a myriad of topics for conversation at your hands! The application will also feature an Asshole/Bitch Quotient, where it will measure how big of an asshole (or a bitch) your date will be based on information available online about them.

Google Excuse Machine

Google Excuse Machine is an application that keeps track of what excuses and lies you give, and when was the last time you gave them. Also, if you’re in a bind and can’t think of one, it can generate a believable excuse by calculating the chance of success.

Google Multi-Verse

Once the Google genii prove that multi-verses exist, they’ll create this nifty application that allows you to see what the other yous are googling. Chances are they’ll all be using Google Porn.