What Bob Griese Should Have Said About Juan Pablo Montoya

Over the weekend, crackah-ass honky sports commentator Bob Griese made a disparaging comment about race car driver Juan Pablo Montoya during the Ohio State/Minnesota game. In the telecast, fellow announcer Chris Spielman inquired about Montoya’s absence from the leader board standings, to which a chuckling Griese responded with, “He’s out having a taco.”

As expected, Griese gave a half assed apology later by saying, “Juan Pablo Montoya, he’s one of the best drivers in NASCAR, I just want to apologize for the comment that I made earlier in the ballgame.”  We found this to be very upsetting, not because Griese made a racist joke, but because he made a joke about the wrong country. Montoya is Colombian, not Mexican. We expect our sports commentators to be a little racist. Hell, we even tolerate it. What we won’t put up with is ignorant motherfuckers who don’t know shit about geography.

So, as a community service, here are some alternatives Griese could have used:

He’s Harvesting Coffee

As anyone who has ever stepped into a Starbucks knows, Colombia grows some of the best coffee in the world. Colombian coffee is so popular that they have their own logo to advertise its product. Say hello to Juan Valdez, aka Juan Pablo Montoya’s father. The relationship between Colombia and coffee is so obvious, that we can’t think of another “C” word that makes us think of Colombia. Oh wait…

He’s Smuggling Cocaine

You can’t talk about Colombia without talking about cocaine, the Medellin cartel, and of course, Pablo Escobar. Colombia, after all, does produce three quarters of the world’s annual yield of cocaine. Montoya is Colombian. He’s pretty good at driving at fast speeds and leaving everyone in the dust. I’m sure he’s driving a shit ton of drugs over the Mexican border as we speak!

He’s Getting Murdered

We figured we’d throw something sports-related into the mix. Griese, after all, is a sports commentator. He could have said that Juan Pablo Montoya is no longer on the leader board because he’s actually dead. Colombians don’t really appreciate it when their sports stars fuck things up, especially if they’ve placed huge bets hoping that you’d perform. For those of you who don’t know what we’re talking about, please refer to former soccer star Andres Escobar.

He’s Boning Shakira

Did you know that Shakira is also Colombian? It wouldn’t surprise us, then, that instead of dominating the overwhelmingly redneck NASCAR circuit as per usual, he’s busy bonin’ his fellow compatriot. I mean, it makes sense, right? We all know how lustful Latino men like to stick their starting pole inside anything that resembles a vagina.

What do you think, güeys? What other Colombia related things could have Juan Pablo Montoya been doing instead of being on top of the NASCAR leaderboards? Best answer gets a plate of arepas.