Top Ten Friendliest Ways To Kill A Man

You know how sometimes you just want to kill? It's not like you're a bad person, you just want to seriously fuck someone up and make sure they die. Doesn't that happen on a daily basis? No? Shut up, stop lying. Well look, we like to kill, but we don't like getting all messy and hurting people's feelings. Just want that sweet, sweet murder. Here's a list of our favorite ways to kill a man, friendly style. 10. Laughing gas. Why so serious, right? If they die laughing, they die happy and God lets them into heaven. You get murder, they get laughs, total win-win situation. 9. Force an overdose. Whatever you want to say, MJ was happy when he died. He was so zooted out of his mind, he  still hasn't come down. He's still living that waking dream fueled with tranquilizers and anesthetics. 8. Ninja style. Ninjas are clean and concise. No pain, no complain. 7. Buy him a pet tiger. At first, he'll be all like, zomg, thanks for the pet tiger, homey, you're so awesome, just what I've always I dreamed of. Then you'll be like, totally dude, my pleasure. Then the tiger will be like, fuck this shit, I'm hongray, and proceed to attack with a carnivorous rage. 6. Poisoned wine. This is like the user-friendly version of the OD. Let's face it, most people don't bring their Demerol and Oxies to the party, but dang, you could def bring a poisoned Cabernet and kill like your whole crew. 5. Hire a Mexican prostitute. Remember those Mini Luchas that got killed by a gang of murderous Mexican prostitutes? Shit, we bet them little dudes still got their money's worth. If you die wearing an O face, your life was good. 4. Set a bounty. Think if you knew someone had paid  a few thousands bucks to have you killed. That'd be a bit of an honor, right? Especially if you had someone famous out to get you, like Dog or Boba Fett. Having a bounty out is like the second highest form of flattery. 3. Challenge him to a duel. Nobody wants to get stabbed in the back on the day they die. Just man up and stab a bitch in his face. He'll thank you for it later. IN HELL. 2. Sexual asphyxiation. Note to all women trying to kill us: First choice, sit on our faces. We won't press charges. 1. Rip out his heart. Um yeah, that's totally not friendly. We just really want to do that to someone. And yes, this is a cry for help. Call the authorities.