Top Ten Innovative Ways To Cross The Border
20 October 2009, 10:01 AM. By Alejandro Paz
Crossing the border from Mexico into the US is no fucking joke. It sucks major ass from start to finish. You might get killed, kidnapped, robbed, fucked in the ass and killed again when your wife and kids die too. It’s like taking your family on a hike through a gauntlet of death.
But because Mexico and many countries in Central and South America generally don’t offer sufficient avenues to obtain the cash required to thrive, immigrants brave this trail of tears into Los Estados to get paid their due. And because of shady dudes like money grubbing coyotes and Sheriff Joe Arpaio and less shady dudes like Border Control and ICE, immigrants have to get creative. Even the ones that make it across might get scammed by a dude with a TV camera. Not all documentarians are your friends, gente!
Dude probably works for Lou Dobbs. Fuck that. Let’s take a look at the Top Ten Innovative Ways To Cross The Border.
10. Hide in a shipping crate.
Secret hiding places with trap doors remain among the most cutting edge immigration techniques.
9. Dress up like drugs.
More drugs cross the border than people every year, right? Play the odds and sneak in with them. Or just drive the truck carrying the kilos.
8. Roll yourself up in a carpet, burrito style.
This actually happens. But it’s way less cute. Especially if you’re claustrophobic.
7. Get yourself a YOUBoat.
Many immigrants make the attempt to swing around the Pacific Coast into California, but they’ve got to be prepared to swim for it. Most people get caught by the Coast Guard or Border Control sitting on the beach straight chilling. Might want to make yourself a stealthy yacht.
6. Smash through the gates and run like hell.
This method is becoming increasingly popular, but nobody brings guns cause immigrants are good hearted people just trying to make a living. Last month, over 70 people were detained after attempting an entry by jumping out of vans at the border in Tijuana and scattering like crazy. Next time, y’all gonna bring guns?
5. Go to school.
They still offer student visas to Mexicans, right?
4. Get In A Suitcase.
Dude right there is about to be home free.
3. Become a luchador.
This is every Mexican’s dream, no? If you can become a star, you’ll cross the border on a US tour to fight the punks in the WWE in no time. Plus, you’ll get to wear a bad ass mask and stretchy pants.
2. Become a human chair.
Wildy innovative Enrique Aguilar Canchola made his way over the border as a motherfucking car seat. Rumor is that he farted when the border patrol agent sat on him during the search. Not really.
1. Marry a white chick.
Immigrants need to use their seductive salsa dancing to lock up wives in Cancun during spring break. A sweet blondie brings you home, and you give her spicy cunnilingus for the time it takes to legitimate the marriage. Win-win.
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I’m going to use a few these tactics when I attempt to sneak across the Canada-United States border.
my sistered was offered a lot money and shit to marry a guy so he could get his papers. she said no. I think it was like a 3rd cousin so it creepd her out.
laroncha, your sister fucked up…….should help a paisano when in need.lol
my cousin went to UNAM and my dad (a US citizen) tried to get him a visa and no deal…he came here illegally instead
ANDARDEPELOSUELTO, went? did he graduate? did he work? there’s a lot of jobs in Mejicoo that pay real good. did he take any courses. there’s a lot of missing here.
wow demanding much? He was studying communications but dropped out and instead came here and started his dream business.
I think I might be a human chair for Halloween.
Any other ideas on how to cross the border?
This story immediately made me think of what my housekeeper told me about getting into the U.S. from Peru. She is now 30 & crossed when she was 19, beautiful, very petite & incredibly sweet girl. Walked & hitch hiked the entire way from Peru to Mexico. She said she began taking birth control pills months in advance of the journey bc of all the rape stories she’d heard about. She told me that 11yrs later, she still cannot begin to discuss what she endured during that crossing. The only thing I take comfort in is knowing that unlike many who go thru hell to get here to only end up in continued misery working for peanuts & getting treated like shit, this girl is with us. We pay her really well, give her 2 weeks paid vacation a yr, paid legal holidays & an xmas bonus. Since she still doesn’t have “papers”, we can’t give her medical insurance, so we pay a percentage of any & all her medical expenses. I always think how this is someone’s child & I’d want the same done to mine.
Mi ex novio (and still amigo) is still trying to get back. He asks me weekly to marry him. Maybe if he wasn’t such a douche bag when we were together, I’d consider. Oh NOW he’s not all machismo eh?
hey, you know what Mexicans think of their paisanos that cross the border……losers. In Mexico you can become rich and donot have to become a drug trafficker or dealer. stay in your country work hard put up a taco stand or popusa stand or what ever.
F that. First chance I get I’m ditching the United States for Canada. Or, at the very least, I’m going to Vermont.
Canada and Vermont, eh? Because of the weed?
Yeah, that. But mainly to partake in a love commune. The chicks up there find my surname and accent quite exotic.
ugh who is this Tigre? good lord, being a troll must give special insight into river/bridge crossing techniques but damn… I’ve seen all of his/her comments on posts today and all are utterly ridiculous. At least SLC has the cojones to admit it. “popusa,” really?
Also, I generally love when fools who comment about Latinos not knowing English, not being able to get a job, being poor/uneducated etc. etc. infinitum ad nauseum… do so in blatantly improper and nonsensical English.
Become a Luchador and be like Blue Demon Jr. who became the first mexican wrestler to win NWA World Heavyweight Championship and now he does NWA TV in the US and tours here all the time.
hey guest, im not in a spelling bee contest. i can assure you, i can take u on Mano a mano carnal in a bee contest. a popusa is a
Salvadoran Gordita but is it fried with its contents in it. no cutting. Hell i shouldn’t even be wasting my time with Nacos like u. also i typed both taco and popusa because it goes for all illegals Not only Mexicans. Que Puñetas wey. si me buscas me encuentras! good lord.
cojones =(huevos cabron) is He who stays in his country and does not run from his problems.
That’s the same kind of bilge that the Cuban government tells its people to keep them from leaving the island.
yep, keep um skeered. if they don’t want communisim, start a revolt with Huevos y no tener miedo a morir para un mejor futuro de sus hijos. remember sin huevos nomas los maricones.
Tigre, your comments are so nonsensical that it’s difficult for me to respond. First of all, yes, a pUpusa is fried and “with its contents in it” (?!), but not so sure a poposa is. And really? Tacos and pUpusas are food for “illegals”? Does that even make sense? That’s like saying hamburgers are the food of murderers because Americans eat them and there are Americans in American jails. Well, that probably makes sense to you, but anyway…
I also agree that DUH cojones is the same as huevos. I also agree that a person with cojones doesn’t run from their problems (like you run from the inherent contradictions and childishness of your posts), but not sure how you make the leap to “stays in his country.” Guess what, genius, many “illegals” leave their country so that they can solve their problems–staying where they’re at would be “running” from them.
And I’m out, a troll no vale la pena…
your’e trying to justify yourself for going to the u.s.a (loser) you probably believe all the crap your government and or media portrays on tv about Latin American countries. if you do not know which im sure you dont. you should not be opening el hocico because it makes you seem Pendejo and probably typing out your elbows. and of course dumbass you have to taco or pupusa it(sorry i was careful to type it correctly so i wouldnt be offended by you i didn’t know i was in a spelling bee contest lol) to comprender the meaning of the post and yes yo fui a diferentes partes del mundo y alla todos conocen a los gringos x las hamburguesas no nomas a los presos.. how idiotic not to view it that way.lol. and simple and sencillamente DONT REPLY TO MY POST si te cala. calele a kien le cale y al ke le cale mejor. and im in, not out cause if im out id be running. lol
i love to educate people. lol. let me translate that jajajajajaja
That would include Erous stying in their countries back in 1492?
Or americans stying the fuck out of the northern mexico in 1800’s?
Dont take the spotlight from Blue Demon Jr
Hey I watched all of the Blue demon y Santo contra las momias Movies, awesome dude. Jr. will have his day. he’s a good wrestler.