The Car With Whale Penis Leather Interior And The 3 People In History Who Could Have Used It

A Russian company is planning on unveiling one of the most insanely decadent armored cars ever made at the 2010 Top Marques Monaco show. The vehicle, known as the Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition, will cost $1.5 million and includes amenities such as gold-plated bulletproof windows, 22″ bulletproof wheels, extra kevlar coating, a special phone with an “alert” button should you come under fire, and three bottles of RussoBaltique Vodka, the most expensive vodka in the word. Oh yeah, one detail we forgot to mention. The interior is made entirely of whale penis leather. Yeah that’s right. Should you decide to drop a mil and a half on this car, you’ll get the opportunity to plant your ass on the skin made of the world’s biggest mammal.

What we find interesting about the vehicle (other than the whale penis leather, of course) is that it is a descendant of the armored car that Czar Vladimir Lenin rode on, which made us wonder what other past world leaders and luminaries could have used this version of the car when they suffered their demise. This is what we came up with:

Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand

Archduke Franz Ferdinand was killed riding dirty in a Graf & Stift Phaeton, a large red limo with a four cylinder engine. It’s a sick car, but unlike the Prombron, it has no top and someone could shoot you if they wanted to. Had Ferdinand and his wife been riding in the Russian armored car during their trip to Sarajevo on June 28, 1914, the clusterfuck known as World War I could have been avoided entirely. The monarch was on his way back to the palace from visiting patients at the hospital. Unfortunately, the incompetent driver took a wrong turn when a soon-to-be political murderer spotted them and shot Ferdinand in the jugular. Interestingly enough, this wasn’t the first time someone had tried to kill the archduke that day. Earlier, a grenade was thrown into his car, but Ferdinand was so much of a badass that his manly mustache simply picked it up and threw it behind the car. Instead of giving himself mud butt after a near-death experience, Ferdinand gave a verbal lashing to local officials by saying, “So you welcome your guest with bombs!” You know what’s really good at protecting you against grenades? The Prombron.

Princess Diana

Lady Di was killed in a car accident August 31, 1997 after her driver lost control of the black 1994 Mercedez-Benz S280. The benzo they were in crashed against a pillar of the Pont de l’Alma road tunnel as they were eluding paparazzi. Although the S280 is a much faster car to elude the paparazzi in than the Prombron, it’s pretty safe to say that the end result would have been completely different. For starters, the Prombron’s gold plated tinted windows wouldn’t have allowed the intrusive fuckers to see jack shit, so there would have been no need to drive recklessly through the city in the first place. Even if we choose to ignore that fact, the 2.5 ton vehicle would not have crumbled against the pillar as easily as the German car did and Princess Di would still be alive and boning Dodi Fayed.

John F. Kennedy

You already know the story. JFK was cruising in the back seat of the midnight blue 1961 Presidential Lincoln Continental, code named ‘SS 100-X’, when he was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald, or so they say (ah! conspiracy!). Though it was equipped with a Plexiglas bubble top in case of shitty weather, the car itself was not armored, nor did it have bullet-proof glass, thus making it easy for someone to end what promised to be one of the best presidential careers ever.