Four Animals That Make Your Sex Life Look Bland

The animal kingdom is full of wonderful creatures that make you marvel at the awesomeness of nature. This list features none of them. Instead, we present to you four animals whose sexual habits will make you wish you had never given up your purity ring.

Blow Job Bats

A group of Chinese researchers have discovered that short-nosed fruit bats partake in oral sex. The female bat licks the male’s shaft during penetration, and while it’s uncertain as to why these animals are engaging in oral pleasure, it was noted that for every second the female blows the male, the act of penetration lasts six seconds longer. One theory flying around out there is that longer penetration increases the likelihood of fertilization. Others say that oral sex could prevent STDs in the bats through antibodies found in their saliva. Either way, it’s a win-win situation for our winged little friend since the ladies actually want to suck him off. You, on the other hand, still have to resort to begging.

Penis Fencing Flatworms

This one is just straight up weird. Flatworms are hermaphroditic, so much like South African runner Caster Semenya, they contain both female and male reproductive organs. What’s truly bizarre about these animals is that when it comes time to reproduce, two flatworms will whip out their schlongs and participate in what scientists call “penis fencing”. Each flatworm tries to inseminate the other one first by getting their junk inside their opponent, meaning that the “winner” will assume the role of the deadbeat father who just kicks back while the “loser” uses a shitload of its resources for child-bearing, not unlike humans.

Prostitute Penguins

Scientists have noted that certain types of female Antarctic penguins exchange sexual favors with their male counterparts for rocks. No, not the kind that human street walkers will turn tricks for, but actual rocks. Stones play an important role in these avian societies, as they are used to build nests for their young. These penguins of the night target single males, and after doing the nasty, the female picks up the stones she needs and runs away. The male penguins are usually too busy smoking a cigarette to care about what happens after getting some.

Gang Raping Bottlenose Dolphins

The Face Of A Sexual Predator

Don’t let Flipper’s cute appearance deceive you. The dude is probably a rapist. The bottlenose dolphin is known as the asshole in the animal kingdom who uses violence and his buddies for sexual coercion, not unlike many a frat guy. Male bottlenose dolphins are known to form alliances with one another and target females when they’re sexually receptive. They’ll corner the female, and ram their bodies against her if she doesn’t succumb. Next time you’re eating a tuna melt sandwich, don’t worry if it contains dolphin meat. Chances are, the dude had it coming.